Painful Healing
by ScourgifyMyBrain
Summary: ABANDONED WIP. In times of war innocence is a tradeoff, and loss and pain are inevitable. War wasn't meant for seventeen-year-olds. One casualty of war is picking up the pieces of her shattered world, and the only missing piece is one that she never thought she would want. HDr.
1. Waking up Broken

**Painful Healing**

**Pairing: **Hermione/Draco

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** In times of war innocence is a trade-off loss and PAIN are inevitable. War wasn't meant for seventeen year olds. One casualty of war is picking up the pieces of her shattered world and the only missing piece, even after she is left all alone in a world she doesn't wholly understand, is the one she never wanted. Will the past keep her from being complete? HDr.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own anything you find familiar.

**A/N:** I Suck at this stuff, I know. But PLEASE REVIEW THIS… even one review can really motivate an author to keep writing.

**Warning:** THIS IS NOT BETA'D… If you'd be willing to help me, and yes, I AM asking for help, it would be appreciated.

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It's tomorrow! It's tomorrow! It's tomorrow!

Not the incessant mumbling of a hyper five year old... but the sound of the bitter truth reverberating through my mind and soul... tomorrow is the day it begins- The Final WAR...

INNOCENCE- my innocence lost in time, I'm no longer innocent... fallen creature of the night that is sure to burn in the perpetual fires of hell... because that's what happens tomorrow... Hell Freezes Over... The earth, the desolate body of unending suffering becomes the walking ground of the roguish, unwelcome beings that threaten our very existence...

FAITH- my faith faded into the truth, or a horribly garbled version of it... the fire is all consuming, it licks, kisses, bites... burning my faith and innocence with its roaming, incinerating hands... the shocking reality of it etched in my mind over and over and yet it's still to hit...

The final push against the threshold of decency... pushes me higher and higher and all the while making me feel lowly, uncouth and unclean... I have nothing holding me to reality as fade into and out of insanity- my conscience flickering along with my hope...

My distant ray of hope fades as it begins... dark clouds rolling in the distance making ungodly sounds that painfully make me realize that I have nowhere to go, nowhere safe and protected like my life has always been...

I have to fight this War... this war that will finally cut the umbilical cord between a mother and child... I have far too much at stake... and far too little to lose... I will be a ruthless murderer for the sake of both... and yet... inevitably I must lose... no matter what... no matter how... I have nowhere to go but down...

and then

IT HITS!!

_12.01 a.m. Friday October, 13_

The thunderous footfalls of an army of thousands of Death eaters storming towards the gates of my school… my home… my best-friends armed with nothing but their bravest hearts and wands. Harry's face was so hard-set it was heart-breaking. Ron's eyes ablaze with a raging fire almost as red as his hair. Ginny standing behind Harry one hand on his shoulder with a look that said she wasn't going to leave his side till death-do-them-apart. She struck me the hardest- a broken girl with her red hair floating in the breeze portrayed the complexity of the innocence that was taken from her. She looked forward and never once wavered from her decision. She was the youngest of the lot that day on the astronomy towers. Even though Harry was no longer Ginny's beau she refused to back-down from his side. A lioness if there ever was one. I looked around me at the various soldiers around me and their subtle show of companionship and solitude and suddenly felt very alone.

In times of war innocence is a trade-off… we all saw things that no seventeen year old should ever have been subjected to. Harry saw the worst of it all.

Everything seemed a haze at that moment. I couldn't tell reality from fantasy. It all seemed so real and yet so far away... I was lying on my back after a rather nasty spell sent my way once again by Dolohov. I was about to get up when a blast of white light resonated through everything, the intensity made me close my eyes involuntarily. I tried to see through it all, and then darkness surrounded me.

I was fading in and out of consciousness... I remember seeing Harry's face looming over mine, he was saying something but as I tried to make out his words I began fading away from the conscious world... I remember intense grey eyes keeping vigil over me countless times... I remember a sea of red hair and had a consciousness of wetness over my left arm...

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When I woke up I was in a bed at what looked like the school infirmary. A loud beeping sound was emitted by one of the contraptions around me. Madame Pomfrey came rushing towards me through the drapes with the ghost of a smile. Her dark auburn eyes were droopy and she had dark circles that accented the wrinkles around them.

'I thought you weren't going to make it, dear.' She said smiling at me in a way that reminded me of my mother. It was gentle but stern in a way I didn't quite understand.

'How are they?' was the only thing I managed to croak out before groaning in pain.

'Now, now dear, rest yourself, don't strain. You've been out of it for 4 months. If it weren't for him you wouldn't have made it at all' She coddled, carefully avoiding around my question with an uncertainty that made my heart clam up and beat at the pace of a mad jackal.

'No! Tell me!' I said gripping her hand with all the strength I could muster. I gave her a determined look and she sighed.

'They're all fine. Breathing and alive.' She said with a sadness that haunted her eyes. I wouldn't miss it anywhere. She wasn't telling me everything.

'Give me the truth, Poppy. I don't need to be fed a sweet medicine, I can take the bitterness better than anyone' I bit out between groans of unbearable pain as she wrung her hands unsurely.

'Ginny is fine, she only took a muscle-deadening curse, she'll be fine physically…'

'and mentally?' I groaned out.

'Considering that I don't think Harry will make it, I'm not sure she'll want to continue living.' Madame Pomfrey was now using her professional tone, knowing that I was not someone who could be 'sweetened'.

'What about Ron?' I asked, choking on a tear as I saw Madame Pomfrey's haunted expression.

I repeated myself rather hysterically 'What about Ron?'

'Hermione. Ronald Weasley is a martyr.' And that's all it took for me to break.


	2. Moonlight Eyes

**A/N:** Please review when you read, because it can really motivate writers. Even flames can motivate a writer to write better

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In the 7 years that I had known Hermione Jane Granger. She had never once been quiet. She was a feisty one, but now as I looked over to her cot in the infirmary she was the shell of the person she had once been. It had been 9 weeks since I found her on the battle field after Professor Snape returned with a few turned Death-eaters to win the battle for the light. Harry Potter had died a week after Hermione woke up from her coma. A week later Ginerva Weasley had committed suicide. Through it all she lay on her cot. Staring at the ceiling with a stone-cold expression. She didn't want to live in her head. I could see it all over her face as the single silent tear slid down her face at the news of her last friend's demise. Her body willed otherwise as she slowly gained her physical bearing under my meticulous care. Of course, I never once came in front of her, knowing that if I did, all my work would be immediate failure.

Being an excellent potion brewer it wasn't difficult for me to get my healer's certificate a month after the war ended. The ministry needed fresh blood to recruit after the war had depleted the wizarding population. My internship at Hogwarts' was probably the only break I would have got, and I'd graciously accepted it. When Granger came out of her coma I was hired for good, and was given charge of new interns, Luna Lovegood, to be precise. Beyond her insane façade Lovegood was the Ravenclaw she was and was an excellent learner. She administered my charge with all that I had prescribed. She never let it slip who her Doctor was and for that I had to thank her. If Granger ever found out I'd have been done for, for sure.

As I stood outside Hogwarts' taking drag after drag of my 'cancer-stick' as Loony had so lovingly called my nerve-calming medicine (even though it was potentially lethal) a felt a cold hand on my shoulder. Madame Pomfrey was like the mother I had always dreamed of having, my own mother having been a cold, stone-hearted woman with nothing but greed that was satisfied enough for her to sleep at night. Madame Pomfrey was like Granger in a lot of ways, I suppose. She was stubborn to the point of insanity. Of course Granger had surpassed that boundary as she had in all other departments as well, namely, kindness, warmth, goody-goodness, motherliness, and prudishness… etcetera.

I turned around to acknowledge her presence and she handed me a hot mug of cocoa. Muttering a thank you, I turned back to look at the ruin that was once the great, undefeatable Hogwarts'. It was being rebuilt, but the extent of the damage was still greatly visible.

'She'll be okay. She's a fighter, even though she has nothing to live for.' Madame said looking at me pointedly. I just stared at the colors of the dusk skyline.

'If it weren't for you I'd have gone mad, did you know that? I don't think I've ever been around so much death before, and you've been a brilliant healer. I'm sorry I didn't trust you when you first came, but tell me one thing. You hate her, or at least you did, so why is it that you spend every breathing minute trying to cure Hermione, Draco?'

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In weeks following Ginny's suicide I spent a lot of time trying to find a way to get out of the bonds, Madame Pomfrey had put on me. I finally gave up after she told me she couldn't take it if I died on her. My bonds disappeared almost instantaneously. Luna was the only familiar face I saw. Around me I'd hear all sorts of rumors, and I'd ask Luna so that my heart would be at rest, but the most disturbing fact was that it did all it could to break me even further.

According to Luna, Harry was hit by a deadly curse while in battle with Bellatrix Lestrange who had been in destructible rage after Voldemort had fallen. Hermione was happy that they had managed to get all the Horcruxes in time. Anyways, after Harry's "fall", the Death-eaters were relentless in their "purging" of the wizarding community, but fifteen minutes after it began it ending because a group of 'rebels' attacked the Death-eaters, they were a grey group, neither siding with Voldemort nor with Dumbledore's Legacy. Their motive was survival- theirs and their community's- wizards good, bad, pureblood, half-blood, new-blood (muggle-borns), all of it. What surprised me was the fact this group of rebels was lead by my arch-nemesis Draco Malfoy and my former Professor Severus Snape. Snape had died in battle with Anthony Dolohov and Draco had managed to track down every living Death-eater and get rid of them. Apparently, he didn't want another Dark Lord to emerge. The Ministry had frozen his assets, but after Dumbledore's pensieve was found; the memories that were displayed cleared Snape of all that he was charged with and declared a second prophecy about a grey knight namely Draco; they let Malfoy off the hook and gave him reign of his estates and money. When I asked Luna if the rumors about Malfoy becoming a healer at Hogwarts' were true she started at me and didn't answer.

Nights were getting worse. As I'd fade in and out of consciousness I'd see deep grey eyes keeping vigil over me. They reminded me of the moon, with all its craters. They were the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen or imagined and yet they scared me. They showed an emotion that contradicted the person they reminded me off. My nights were filled with visions of these deep 'moon' eyes and a pale aristocratic face which was etched with worry, sadness, and a broken emotion that was not meant for it. I'd feel feather-light touches on my brows and cheeks and lips, but when I tried opening my eyes I'd feel so weary and let sleep take me over.


	3. Tonight's my night hopefully

**A/N 1:** 1I'm sorry to have taken this long, and I'll try to update sooner next time, however, life is very hectic at the moment and for me to have gotten this done was also a big big big deal. Anyhow, I shall try to get stuff up faster. 

**A/N 2:** Please review when you read, because it can really motivate writers. Even flames can motivate a writer to write better

**A/N 3:** I know my chapters are rather small, but it's not really an intentional thing. I usually write first on paper and then type it out and a lot of the times when I write stuff it covers a lot of pages, but when I post it up, it seems like very little, so apologies for that as well.

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It had been months since I'd first woken up. I had no idea how many months had passed, I rarely asked someone for the date. I didn't even know how long it had been since the war. My nights had become relatively peaceful because of the Dreamless-sleep Drought that Madame Pomfrey gave me every night, but my days were filled with horrors. I'd relive the war over and over in my head- blaming myself for the casualties. No matter what Madame Pomfrey or Luna said, I couldn't think any different. If only I hadn't been hit by the "X"(that's what Madame Pomfrey called it because they had no idea what it did) curse maybe, just maybe I could have saved Harry, Ron, Ginny and all of the Order that had been wiped out after my "fall". Call it a Gryffindor-complex if you must, but I blamed myself for their deaths.

Everyday I'd meet survivors of the war. Neville was one of my frequent visitors; he'd changed so much since school. He was no longer the unsure, nervous boy I'd known back then. War had made him braver, stronger somehow, and he had the Gryffindor-air that had been absent during our school years. The war had been hard on him, he'd adapted slowly, but he was healing, I could tell by the look in his eyes. He and Luna had found comfort in each others arms, and that just helped reinforce the feelings of how lonely I really was. I'd met Lavender in the hall ways being lead to and from the Psych ward. Ron's demise had been hard on her, and one could often hear her cry for a man with red hair and startling blue eyes that she claimed not to remember. Lestrange's torture had taken its toll on her in the sort of way that it had on Neville's parents. Neville had told me he was trying to work on a cure because he'd observed certain effects a rare plant he'd discovered in Australia had on the psychological condition of Crutiatus Curse victims.

The worst part of it all was the fact that it was during my hours of consciousness that the grey "moon" eyes that kept vigil over me haunted me, and with them, the person I associated with them, became an obsession. Although Luna and Madame Pomfrey never said anything about Draco or his work at the Infirmary at Hogwarts', I knew he was the one that was in charge of my situation. I guess that was a perk of being close friends with the head Healer, a war-hero, and Hermione Granger- Resident Know-it-all. I really wished he'd just show himself to me. I didn't know why he took so much interest in my case, considering he was my primary tormentor in school, but I'd read his reports, on other cases and none seemed to be as meticulous as mine. The reason I'd had access to all these cases and reports was because, although I was primarily bed-ridden, I tried to be of assistance to Madame Pomfrey any way that I could. I was a certified Healer, so it wasn't like I was breaking any rules, plus it was voluntary.

I'd tried moving around the first couple of weeks but almost passed out each of the 28 times from exertion and pain (but I wouldn't really admit to the latter), and gave up trying until Madame Pomfrey thought it was worth a try. Today however, seemed different- there was something about today that made me feel confident I could do it. I couldn't really explain it, but like many of the other times that I'd had a hunch I decided to work on it. So that night, I'd decided I wouldn't take my medicine and see if my hunch was right. It was 1 o' clock and I could still hear voices in the corridor. I' heard Madame Pomfrey bid someone goodnight and lock up for the night at 10. I waited 3 hour just in case she came back to check on her patients. Pulling my legs out from under the covers and swung them over the side of the bed. My feet could touch the floor since the bed wasn't as high as most hospital beds since it was an infirmary for younger children. Holding onto the side of the bed I stood up slowly. I felt pain stab through me, that may have been the curse, or it could have been the fact that I hadn't used my legs in so long, but I felt the pain ebb away slowly. Holding the bed, I took baby steps to the foot of the bed. With each step that I'd take I'd feel pain shoot through me, but with a decreasing intensity. I kept the exercise up till I could no longer feel any pain. I was elated that I'd taken myself up on my hunch. Tonight was going to be my night…. Hopefully.

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Insomnia- it was my curse. When the war began I had started off on the Dark Lord's side, doing his bidding by killing countless muggles and muggle-born witches and wizards, my punishment was my guilt and restlessness. The night I'd been inducted I had to kill a muggle girl who couldn't possibly have been older than six. The night of her murder haunts my dreams. I can still smell the smell of burnt skin from the torture that the Death Eaters had put her through, still see the hollow brown eyes that had held defiance milliseconds before I robbed her of her innocent life. Subconsciously my hand drifts over my now fading Dark Mark. If I hadn't met Hermione Granger six months after my induction I would never have survived the war with the guilt I harbor. Her words taught me more about myself and prejudices than my cowardly father's words ever had. She saved me from the curse that I bear in more ways than one.

Insomnia was also the reason I had the 24 hour shifts at the 'Medical Camp' even though I had to beg for it. I needed to keep an eye on her. I'd promised Harry and Ron that I would. Not many knew how strong my allegiance to the Phoenix was, but the truth of the matter was that Harry and Ron, yes, they were no longer 'Potty' and 'the Weasel', trusted me completely. I was their eyes in the final confrontation. We were connected by mind, and that's the last thing I heard him convey to me was Hermione's protection. I never had the chance to convey my reply, but I know they trusted me enough, because after all they were the only two people in the world at that time who knew that I, yes I, Draco Malfoy, was in love with the one person I'd been taught to hate: Hermione Granger. Since the final confrontation she's been my only concern. Madame Promfrey's gotten worried about me, the first few months she'd pour the Drought of Dreamless Sleep in my coffee, I'd argue with her everyday about till I finally had to start making my own coffee.

The war had changed all of us. Most of my childhood friends died and my childhood nemeses became my friends. I killed my own parents, something no child should ever have to go through and something I'm not very proud off. I had started out on the wrong side of the war. I had killed countless people, but one night it all changed. Nightmares rarely haunted me since I usually had dreamless sleep. That night, however, the faces of the people I had murdered haunted me: the children, the women, the men, the wizards and the muggles, all alike they flitted through my mind in my sleep, in my usually dreamless sleep. I had a conscience. At first I tried to ignore it, and didn't tell anyone, but slowly things got out of hand. Eventually, I turned to Harry. Admitting I was wrong was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do but I did it, and I'm a better person for it today. Not many people knew of my allegiance to the white, in fact even Hermione had no idea about it, not that Harry didn't trust her, he just didn't want to put her at more risk than she was already at. Anyhow, back to my story, since that night I never slept, the occasional doze I give into but never deep sleep.

I was beginning to doze off when I heard a loud crash from Hermione's room. My heart began to pace furiously. To say I was worried would be an understatement. There were still death-eaters out there who wanted to get back at Hermione. People still wanted to kill her. And I had vowed to protect her. I wasn't about to fail at the one thing I was asked to do, and chose to do willingly. I wasted no time getting up and ran through her shutters.

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**A/N 4:** Don't forget the reviews!! Motivate me to go on, or motivate me to write better.  have a good day!


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